Haven't updated in a while, so thought I would catch you guys up on whats going on...That's if..anyone cares...
Nothing new as really happened, Work still sucks...and...that guy that I like now has a girlfriend. And to make is worse, its ONE OF MY FRIENDS! Well, Ex-Friend now..So its over with him. But then again, just the story of my life..Nothing never goes right with me.
I thought I my interest in working and/or Volunteering as a EMT was over. Sounds a bit cheesy, but I was watching a show called "Call 911" And it make me realize how much i miss the feeling of having someones life in my hands, and being able to save it. I want to start doing it again...soon. Have to get a hold of a good Friend (Anjuli) So I can volunteer again. Bu t first things first...I have to find time to renew my CPR license... GRR! And find the bits a pieces of my EMS uniform that is scattered around my room...
Thinking about taking a trip in July to see my Pen Pal. Kinda a gift to myself for my birthday. Which is June 14. Finally 21...but I'd have to admit, I am super nervous. Think its more of the fact that I have never one, been to the airport and 2 step foot on a plane. Everything else, I'm fine with. But planes + Claustrophobia = Disaster!
This is me at the moment.
My journey has been cold, lonely and without peace.
Guns being fired, bombs imploding.
Too use to it by now to even notice.
Flashing lights, clips hitting the ground as the sound of machine guns blare.
I use to cover my ears, avoid the sound of the pain
the Screaming...
the people Dying....
The smell of Death all around me
But yet I keep going...
And don't know why.
When your forced to face the world alone
It makes it just as hard.
Alone, is the most hurtful word on the planet right now
And to live it, is undesirable
Wait! Here it comes.. Duck!
I fall in to a trench, protecting myself from the bomb of hatred
but then its all over, and I lift up my head to see
The after math is horrible, disgraceful.
Friends torn apart,
Families separated when each other is all they have.
People Saddened because of a simple word
I can barely breathe
the smoke of the bomb is so thick and Heavy.
But I keep walking, coughing chocking from others pain.
Running in to someone on my path,
giving them the little strength I have
I feel the need to share my life, my hope
but the more I give it, the less I have
the harder it is to go on
and the person in need, will go away happy
just to shot someone in the face all over again
Not sure why I fight my own battle,
when the worlds at war against me.
Being the only one in the army,
there is not point in fighting.
I still walk, trip over others mistakes,
get involved in others 'battles'
When I can't even help myself.
but without me,
all those people I have helped though
would be lost, wondering like as I
I start to think..
Maybe I'm worth something.
But, I then ask myself
Is was I'm doing worth it?
I'm starting to think...Its not.
So here I am! Sitting at Randalls (my work place) Waiting for my brother to get off. Thank god for the Wii Fii, or I would being going insane staring at the wall.
I was suppose to work today. Actually the only day that I WANTED to work. Yes, you read right, WANTED to work. As you may know from my previous blogs, I have been crushing on this guy from work. Him and I had a whole day together! I mean like a 8 hours shift of just me and him. My Manager, Chelsea, called me and TOLD me NOT to come in. It wasn't even a "Is it okay that you don't come in?" It was "I cut you off the schedule today, don't come in." Not only is she the most lazy, inconsiderate manager I know, She has a bland personalty and the word "fun" Isn't in her dictionary. And you would think a department manager would be able to spell "Coming" right. In her Head "Comming" is the right way to spell it. *rolls eyes*
I wasn't going to let that ruin my whole day. Since our (my Brother and I's) work is so far away. When my Brother works 3 hour shifts, I see no point in driving back home, just to come right back. Well, I thought "I might not get to work with him, but I can talk to him for those 3 hours I am doing nothing." WRONG! Another Manager here made me leave the Starbucks Kiosk because I was "Distracting" Him from service. WTF! Really?! This blows. I was able to talk to him for a while. But, Not long enough In my book. I would talk to him the whole 3 hours if I could.
He did only charge me $.54 for my Starbucks drink. and we talked a while. I had a lot of guts today. Kinda proud of myself. (in a non-cocky kind of way) He is drawing a sign for the Starbucks promotions that we usually have. Well, he was looking for a certain color. He couldn't find it. I then told him where It was. We he got it I actually said "What would you do with out me?" I first thought, 'oh god! Why did I say that?' But then his answer was something similar to "Your right! I have no Idea what I would do with out you!" I died a little on the inside. (in a good way ha ha)
When the manager made me leave, I was devastated. Not only am I stuck here on my "Day off" Now I have no one to talk too... I love my Twitter friends and MSN buddies, but if I knew I was gunna be on the computer the whole time, Verses getting 'brownie points' toward me and Guillermo's Relationship, I would have went to a friends house. Or even taken the drive home and sat on the computer. *sighs* When I thought this day was gunna be perfect!
Then again, Nothing ever goes the way I want it too. I guess the wind has taken my away from reality again.
Here I am in the cross roads of my life
I have always been "Different"
Seeing the crowd take the path of light on the Right
I have no regrets in life
But sometimes, Just maybe
The other path would have been the better one
Barefoot, walking on sharp rocks,
is no way to go though life
I lost the feeling in my cold, bloody feet years ago
looking behind me, I see nothing but my bloody foot prints
I sometimes wish I had another pair of foot prints beside mine
I then think, I wouldn't want this pain thrown upon anyone else.
Sometimes, the two opposite paths cross
I almost walk the painful path to reach that point
Maybe I can meet someone to walk with me
a Small smile sometimes passes my face
Seeing the people I once knew and loved
Happy with someone beside them on there journey
Love, one word i can't hear with out a cringe
I once believed in such a myth,
I now know, Love is nothing but false hope
hope that people live and die for
a hope I will never know the feeling too
But I just keep walking past the light
back in the dark
Once the paths separate again
I'm alone
Walking with my face to the ground
Trying to find the less painful steps to take
When the few people I once cared for
Flow though my mind
Tears of blood roll down my face
Falling to the already cold dark ground
wanting that myth of love to be true
But knowing inside that it never will
Shivering, cold and lost
down farther on the road I have chosen
I sometimes wonder why I keep going
Just the chance of meeting someone
Anyone that wants to walk beside me
bare this pain with me
but seeing those people happy
down the bright happy road
makes me want more
that no one has to bare this pain with me
I'd rather it be me than anyone else
I wished I cared more for me then others
but then that would be selfish
conceited is no way to go though life
I'd rather be in pain
alone
then to see anyone else next to me
just to keep my selfish body company
the roads cross again
I leave my head down
looking away from them
keep walking slowly
still with the thought running in my mind
Will I ever run into someone
someone to carry me some of the way?
Yet I keep Walking
I really can't explain the feeling that is going though my body right now...
Well as you might know, My old store that I've been working at, closed. So they sent me to a new Randalls. Honestly, I LOVE it! It's huge! And we are always busy! Plus We have a Starbucks in the store!! And that is when I saw "him" standing on the Starbucks Kiosk.
It sounds a bit lame but, I saw him and it was like I died and went to heaven! He is perfect. If i believed in love at first sight, This is what it would be. But of course, if you know me, the first thing that went though my head was "He's to good for me, I'm not pretty enough for him." If you can avoid it, NEVER be insecure about yourself! I'm in to is way to deep Now.
Well, I stayed happy at the store for the first week. Being a quick learner, it flowed together easy. Not even my 2nd week there, I get a call from my old manager. (that was moved to my new store) She asked me If I was interested in working in the Starbucks. I couldn't do anything but agree. Not only do I love coffee, but I get to work around it. Then It dawned to me. "He" works there.
I have had a few encounters with him prior to my Starbucks training. (Which I am in right now)
The first encounter was when my friends Christine (also a employee from my old store) was training for Starbucks. I went to hug her and say Hi when she Introduced me to him. "This is Cindy" and his response "Ah! The sweet one you where telling me about right?" All I could do is blush. The conversation went a little longer. She told him that I was a Volunteer Paramedic and that I'm a great person. As much as I wanted to stay, The time clock was calling.
The 2nd Encounter was when I went to buy coffee. I asked for a Strawberries and Creme Frapp. I was super tired that morning, so I asked for two shots or espresso in it. His response was "Really? That is a new one! I have something better for you to try if you want espresso. It does NOT go well with the Strawberries and Cream flavor." So he talked me into getting a Vanilla bean Frapp. I don't even like vanilla! But I ended up with one anyway. Now it's my regular drink. So, the few more visits i had to Starbucks, went to order his famous Vanilla Bean Frapp. And maybe to get a closer view of him.
Well, The next day of me finding out that I was going to work for the Starbucks, I went up to my store to drop my brother off and of course drop in for some Coffee, When he says "Oh hey! I heard your where working back here! We are gunna have fun." I blushed a little "Oh yeah! How did you find out?" He explained that we had spoken to my brother and my brother told him. I told him that "I can't wait either", payed for my coffee and left.
The next day I came in to work to start on my training on the computer. When I took a short break, I had to get some coffee. He was there. "Oh hey! Cindy! Guess what? I'm training you on Sunday! I'm your first trainer! It's gunna be fun!" The first thought that flowed though my head... ' He noticed before me? ' When I finally got words out "Oh really? Awesome! It will be fun" our conversation went a little while longer then I left to get food and went back to my computer training.
I was a little nervous of my first day of training. Not only is it my first day, but I am working with "Him."
It started at 5:30Am. Yes my shift started at 5:30 AM! ( I don't even get up that early for EMS) So i get to work, and wait a few minutes for my Trainer, when "he" (known as Guillermo) showed up. I had a awesome day! I mean we clicked so well. Once we started talking, my nerves went out the door. I was so comfortable around him. It was a feeling I have never come across before with a "hot" guy. I even invited him to go ballroom dancing with me! ( I still can't believe that I ask him) He actually sounded interested! I might be going to a dance with him this Saturday! That is when he asked me for my number "Oh that sounds great! Can I get your number so we can work something out with the dance? I mean I need it for work anyway" He also told me that I had a great personality. He asked a lot of questions about me as well told me a lot about him self. (even kinda bragged a little Lol ) I told him about how my dad plays bass and he wants to gets lessons from my dad. When I met him Mom later in the day, his mom even said that we should get together and have my dad teach him.
Today was my 2nd day working with him, But my 3rd day in training. And yet the same feeling still flowed though me. We talked all day. He even told one of his friends that I play 4 different Musical instruments. I picked on him a little and he picked back. All I could do is laugh at everything he said. Seems like he laughed at everything I said as well. He seems somewhat comfortable around me. I mean, he tells me things that only friends that know each other a while would say. it's great.
I get to work with him on Saturday before the Dance. (Hopefully I will know if he's coming by then) I hope it goes just as well.
I could write this in a lot more detail, but I am sure you don't want to read more.
I seem to maybe think that he sees me as a friend. But, I have several people that say he likes me.
I want to know what you think.. Please. I am kinda caught in the middle here. And it's hard to believe that a guy as sweet and cute as him would like me back. No hard feelings! Thanks!
The last week has not been the best for me. Not only did I figure out that a Paramedic is what I want to do anymore, the grocery store that I USE to work at, Closed down.
I haven't have the urge or want to volunteer anymore. It's like the love I had once, the great feeling I once had every time someone's life was in the palm of my hand just faded away completely. I use to dream and have the desire to work on the ambulance. But, I hate to admit it, the desire exists no more. I think it has a lot to do with me being a crappy EMT-Basic. If I can't even be a Basic, what gives me the strength and knowledge to be a Paramedic. So, once I turn 21, I will be working as a Basic with some Transfer service. Another American that hates their Job. I really don't know how this happened. It just kinda hit me as quick as the blink of an eye. I think this maybe be the main reason why I haven't been myself lately.
As soon as I made the decision not to carry on my job as and EMT-B and not go any farther in my field, They decide to close the store that I have been working at for over 2 years. They did relocate all the employees in the store. But I am starting to think that a 45 minute drive isn't even worth it anymore. Yesterday was the last day my store was open. Don't ask me why but, I cried. I CRIED! Not even just once, Several times. Everyone I grew to know, gone. As quick as a car crash. What upset me the most was about 90% of the employees are being sent to store number 1776. Me, of course, God has to pick on ME (but what else is new). I was sent to store 1066. The ONLY one sent there. Not only is that a long drive, everyone gets to stay together BUT ME! Thanks god.. I just LOVE being the ant under your magnifying glass. *rolls eyes* The worse part about it, Rebecca and I get separated.
Speaking of Rebecca, We haven't been getting along to well lately. I am afraid our friendship may be fading away. The absolute last thing in the world I would wish to happen. But I feel it coming. She
will be going to college again and we will talk even less then we do now. Of course, all we have been doing lately is arguing. No one is to blame for the fighting, I guess that is what happens when you know one person for so long. I wish I didn't feel it coming, But I know it has to one day. Friends forever, but Forever is a long LONG time.Also, I use to get happy about the little things in life. I use to get excited because of a TV show, or a New Sims3 Game. Now, I could care less. I even bought me a necklace from my favorite show. It may have put a small smile on my face, but it didn't do what I wanted it to. Even when I attended the Christmas party, For what USE to be my EMS service, I just didn't enjoy myself like I wanted to. I got to catch up with some buddies. That was about the only thing I enjoyed that day.
For some reason the word "love" is like finger nails on a chalk bored. Once again, everyone around me is "in love." I don't even know the feeling. I feel as the rest of my life it's going to be Me and Milo. (If you did not know, that is my CAT) I feel as if I'm not "pretty" enough. And don't say its the personally that counts. Well bad news, the Cindy you use to know is gone. Who want's to be with someone who never smiles.
I wish I could just perk up and be myself again. I don't know if that will happen. I have nothing to be "perky" about anymore. I have a useless certification that has got me NO WHERE and a crappy job that I can't even live off of. Besides that fact that I am breathing and I have a roof over my head, I have no other reason to be grateful.
Hell has frozen over I think....The imposable has happened. I have been broken.
Things Change
Sometimes for the best they say
Never once has it changed for the best..
Well for me anyway...
I don't think I have ever seen the light at the end of my tunnel
I sit down on my long worthless journey
Giving up hope
I think it's for the best
I am alone in my journey
No one's hand to hold to keep me from falling
My shadow is the only one that follows
But a friend that doesn't hold you up
Isn't a friend at all
I wish I knew the feeling of a warm hand in mine
Every rose has it's thorns they say
I never had one thorn
but yet, no one will come near me
I don't blame people for not wanting me.
It seems like everyone that I meet,
Fades away as fast as my petals Fall.
The only Rose without water to help it grow.
Once I have something,
I feel comfortable with something,
It is taken away from me.
And I never can get it back.
Including my hope I once had.
My rose is wilted.
Can't go a day more with out support,
with out any hope.
It would be easier to just die.
I think as the only black rose,
I will take the easy way out.
no one will miss me anyway.
Bye earth of mine.
I will fade into the darkness
Forever....








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