Here it goes...
have no one to talk to right now..so here i go with a random blog...
I honestly feel like something is wrong with me...I mean a made a friend and in no time *poof* There gone. Even a friend of almost 9 years...we are drifting apart. Knew this day would come..just not this soon. Don't take this the wrong way, I am excited to get my own place, but I will be even more alone since once again...no one pulled though for me. EVER. Once i am kicked down noone is there so help me up. They might walk past me and ask if i'm okay...but when i reach up for them to help me...they 'pretend' not to see me reach up and keep walking. I thought friends were suppose to help you even when it compromises there plans. Fuck man...I do it ALLL the time. I'm rarely happy...and when I am, its because I sacrified my own to make someone else smile. and that smile...will give me just enough strengh to move on a little longer till another small smiles picks me up a little again before i get to down. And guys....don't even get me started with them...when i fall, i fall hard...just who i am. I trust easy. But because of stupid...STUPID me, I push them away somehow. :( I know i can be clingly...i know that..but I really just look at it as caring to much. All i want is people happy and it seems that trait it was pushes people away. Ugly, short, stupid and CLINGY! what a great personallity... :( Not. So, I wanna say sorry for anyone I have 'annoyed', 'pushed away', or complained to. Aparently, I'm not wanted..because this isn't the first time i have been brought down by a nice gesture i have when I work so hard jsut to see a smile..and its pushed away. So...here is the time...let go of me...do it now while I'm already down. I'm tired of being brought down as soon as I work hard to get back up again. Farewell and good riddence to the ones that will deregard this...I'm still waiting for the true friend..the true love...to help me up.
Here it goes I guess, an actual blog verses a poem. This is quite difficult to type with the fake nails I have decided to decorate my fingers with. But at this moment, this is the only way to blurt out my feelings.
First of all lets start with my job. Yes still the same job I have had for over 3 years, the dreaded title of Cashier/Barista. I don't per say "Hate" my job, just not what i want to do for the rest of my life. But seems to me that it will be sadly. The longer i stay the more truth the last statement will carry. I think i am starting to despise my job the most is the fact that I am being used. My manager is not only younger that me, but (excuse the french) lazy as fuck. She will put things off the the lat day they have to be done, then SURPRISE! She is off that day and I work. which leaves me to do about 97% of her work, adding that the store director tells me to do it. It's hard to just put "rebel" when the ONE person that can fire you tells you to do it. So if you can Imagine, being a manager with NOO training as you teadch yourself along the way.....stressfull!! Which isn't what i need.
Believe it or not, work is the last of my problems. Life at home is once again getting worse. I don't want to go to much into this, but if i hear the statment, or anything close to "it's because your a girl" I'm gunna scream. The worse part about this, is i feel as if my dad has me on a chain. He will add a 4 new links to my chain, then when i finally feel like my own person, he takes 6 links back. I pick and pull on the chains...but the ball on the end, known as 'Dad' just gets heavier and heavier.
With that said, I should be getting my own place soon. Really shouldn't, but another year with this...and i will NEVER leave. And I want to me my own person, not "just a girl"
While I have been trying to find ways to have freedom, I stumbled upon a boy at work. He has been then since the day i changed my work location, but...it seems as if i have fallen for him. He SEEMS to have a liken toward me, since all he does is talk to my best friend, who works with me, about me and how having a relationship at work would be difficult. Not to mention, Rebecca said nothing about my liking to him. I could go on forever about this guy, and how he even tried to protect me a few times. But the subject almost is the source of my anger and sadness. I sometimes feel as if guys just like to play. I have mad is obvious that i like him, and him always touching me and talking to me ALL the time at work. Even when I am in my own little bubble (the Starbucks kiosik) he some how finds his way over there to talk. Anyway, to make this story short, this situation is bothing me to the extreme.
Enough blabbing i guess, milo is calling for me! Later
Mirrors
As I stand her before this mirror
I see myself as I am
not the prettest
the skinniest
or even the most lively
but its me
I look to my left,
then to my right
the people around me that have made me
these people I have chosen to be there
but my decisons aren't always right
when the two that are closest to me
the two I wish I could hug all at once
but when they see eachother in the mirror of my life
it cracks
right down the middle of my body
splitting me in two peices
One desperatly pulling me away from the other
Why can't I be happy?
why can't I have what I want?
for once...
this figthing...
pulling me...
Just...just
Leave me alone!!
I pull my arms away from the two
stare them both down blankly
the two people I trusted
I give up...
my happniess doesn't matter
even though to them..
I thought it did
I just look at my already cracked mirror
you guys can't appceraite what I have?
when try living without me..
gone
I close my eyes and smash my mirrior
I vanish...
the two undecided soul standing there
With me gone
now they wish they would have gotten along
but to late
now I'm gone
and everyone else
is...
happy again.
The apartment was small, and a little hard to get to. But it was everything I have ever wanted, and for once, this apartment belonged to me. Finally something to call my own. As I put the couple of bags I was carrying on the ground, which is only the start of many more that were packed in my tiny car, Rebecca comes though the door carrying way to much. I laugh a little before speaking "The more you carry at a time the mess trips right?" I take some bags from her and place the on the ground aside the ones on the floor. "Of course! You know me!" We both laugh as we walk back to our cars. Rebecca has been a friend to more for almost 10 years now. Best friend a girl could have, so close we could finish each others sentences if we wanted to. Even the fights we have just get shrugged off minutes after they happen. Most likely because one of us will trip, or do something funny and we just laugh till it hurts, and the fight...poof! Disappears into thin air. Maybe even thinner than that.
After a long day of taking box after box out of the Chevy Cavalier and Blue PT Cruiser, we collapse on the small couch. Both taking a small nap before being woken up by a knock on the door. I get up to find the apartment manager welcoming us to our new home and gave us complementary toilet paper and toothpaste to get us started. I look around to see my cat, Milo, laying on a box and my dog Missy, a doberman mix, laying in the middle of no where on the floor. I stumble to the restroom before grabbing the only bag of chips we have in the kitchen. I sigh as start to eat them. With nothing set up, and everything in boxes, there is nothing to do. I get the strength to lean the 32' HD TV against the wall and plug it in, as well as search though the boxes to find the DVD player and hook it up. I search for the first movie i lay my hands on. I found the movie "My Sister's Keeper" in one of the random boxes. Good movie I thought, but something more lively would have been nice. I just shrug as I slide the movie in the player and relax a bit as I watch it.
Sam Winchester, the younger brother of Dean Winchester, has been though more then enough in his life time. More then one human being could even think of going through. So much torture and pain, yet he is still the kind hearted, caring person he has been since childhood. A hunter isn’t ever an easy life for anyone. Happiness is hard to find in such a hectic and demanding life style. But after one casual hunt, that all changed. I’ll let Sam tell you what changed his life…forever.
It started with just a routine hunt. Dean and I were doing some research at a local library. Knowing Dean, he was in the “adult” section or had left hours ago leaving me to rather walk, or call him to pick me up later. Doesn’t matter either way. I’m use to it by now. I just get what I need done and go from there.
As I concentrate on the research, finding out that ghost is nothing more but an angry sprit wanted revenge. (Which is nothing new in my book) I catch with my peripheral vision two girls, laughing and almost looking right at me. It’s probably not me they’re giving there attention to. I was never the “chick magnet” as Dean called it. And if it was directed at me, I was most likely having a bad hair day or just the fact that I’m good with computers was never something a girl found attractive. After the small thought, I went back to my work.
I suddenly feel a slight nudge on my arm. A little jump came out of me before I looked over to see the two ‘giggling’ girls standing before me. One of them, the more outgoing one it seemed, Spoke to me.
“Sam…Sam Winchester Right? I’ve heard about you. You know how hunters like to talk. But I’m sure you know that” she said right before a small laugh.
‘Hunter’ I thought. These young girls are hunters? The last thing I would have thought them to be.
“Yes, I’m Sam…can I help you two with something?” Hoping they didn’t see the somewhat confused and awkward facial expression.
The more outgoing one spoke again “Duh! I should, like, introduce ourselves. I’m Krista. Been a hunter a little over a year. And This here is Raechel. She isn’t a hunter, but wanted to meet you. Especially Dean. Is he around?”
I should’ve known. Dean. They’re not interested in me. It’s always about my brother. Before looking back at my books and computer I say with a sigh “I don’t know. Guess he left. Sorry”
Krista then pulled up a chair for both her and Raechel. I was a bit irritated at the maneuver, since I’m trying to get research done, and these girls are going to ask me more about Dean. I think, that is what I hate most about this.
I‘m guessing she saw I was a bit irritated “Mind if we sit?…we don’t have anything to do at the moment…unless your busy…then we can leave” I should have told them I was busy and went on with my research. But that’s not me. So I close my book and turn toward them. “Alright, sure. I guess I could use a break from this. What’s up?”
There was a bit of a pause, the thee of us looked each other down. I don’t like the awkwardness of the situation so I spoke first. Not knowing what else to say. I just say what comes to my mind first. “So, Dean huh? Why do you want to talk to him so bad?”
Raechel blushes slightly before turning her face away. “He’s…cute.” Raechel finally speaks. What a tender soft voice. It almost made me smile, so innocent. I will even admit, it was cute. The way her hair covered part of her face. Beautiful, I thought. I then snapped myself out of it. She wants Dean, not me.
“Oh right, should have known. Guessing you two want me to introduce you right?” I laugh a little before speaking again “I can do that. I can’t say no to a fellow hunter” God it killed me to say that and I would never help my brother get a girl. He didn’t need help. But it was her. She hasn’t even said three words to me, but If I didn’t offer, she would leave. I just wanted to be near her. Even if it meant seeing her with Dean.
I few days later, I met up with the two girls. On a day that Dean and I had a little time to spare. The hunt was pretty much under control. We knew the location and when we were going to strike. We don’t have much down time on the road. So this was nice.
I clear my throat as Dean walks in the room after a trip for food. “Hey Dean.” I said as he looked around the room, clearly noticing the two girls in our hotel room. He grins staring the girls down. I know that grin. Means he is interested in whatever he has his eye one. In this situation, it’s the girl. The girl, I wish to make mine. I didn’t like it, not one bit. As I found out and know clearly, I can’t make her love me. Or even…uh, like me. Another opportunity given to Dean, before I even had a chance.
As I promised, I introduced the girl to my brother. We spoke a little to him before he glanced at his phone and insisted on leaving. Raechel’s smile that she had on her face the whole time Dean was in the room, suddenly vanished. The laughter and that adorable dimple, that I noticed almost immediately, just like the wind, gone. I stumbled on my words “I…I’m sorry he couldn’t stay long. Guess he is working on that hunt.” I once again stumbled to find something to say “You still have me.” I finally said after a small chuckle. ‘God I’m stupid,’ I thought. Before she came in to my arms for a hug. It surprised me at first, before I realized that her touch drove me crazy. Drove me to want her more then before, which I didn’t think was possible. But, it was. All I could do was smile and wrap my arms around her. Her body against mine, her touch on my back. A embrace I will never forget. I could have held her in my arms forever if she would let me. It didn't last nearly as long as I had wished.
"Sam? You okay?" she giggles, I look over at her. A little lost, only to figure out she has caught me in a daydream, all about her. I come back to reality. "Oh yeah" I chuckle a little "I was staring in another world, been a long day." We looked in to each others eyes for only the everlasting time of 3 seconds. As she looks away, I smile. So many thoughts run though my head. So many to make my smiles last longer. Is she falling for me? Krista fell asleep sometime in the middle of all this. Seems to be something she does often I've noticed. Raechel and I are alone.
She laughed at almost everything I said. Hours went by without notice. I glanced at the clock as it read almost four in the afternoon. I didn't want to say this but I had no choice " I don't think Dean is coming back today." I looked away slightly waiting to see that dreaded frown of hers. I don't even know why but, to see her sad was like the end of the world to me. And I know what the end of the world is and more. I lived it, in more then one way. I felt the need to keep her smiling. Maybe I'm just being selfish so I can see her smile. I feel as if I was put on the earth so this very moment I can make her smile.
I glance over at her. She isn't frowning. Then with her soft voice she speaks "Is it okay if I spend the day with you then? I mean, I have nothing else to do and I'm having fun." I stutter "You mean...you want to..uhh.. hang out with me? That would be...great!" I smile. If she wasn't watching, I would have jumped around the room screaming for joy. She wants to spend time with me. Not Dean..but me! Could the day get any better? For once, me, Sam Winchester, had something go right. Something to make me happy.
I took her out to eat. I was starving. Not sure how she was, but she agreed to go. We started out for a walk to the nearest burger joint. Since Dean had the Impala and Krista's keys were nowhere to be found. But I would have never had it any other way. It was a cold day, and she was shivering. I offered her my jacket and she took it smiling. Raechel, the girl I have been doing nothing be thinking about for day, is wearing my jacket. if people walked by, they would think she belonged to me. Just the very thought brought a smile to my face.
I walked her home soon after. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. And finding myself falling for a girl when in a couple of days I would have to leave. The thought of that faded away when she asked me tonight about hunting. She wants to be a hunter. I don't like the idea. Not at all, but I can't say no to her. Not sure why..but I just can't. I agreed to talk to Dean about it and see if he can train her, so she gets closer to him. Dean, I know won't go for the idea. Won't even give me a chance to explain. But as I said before, I felt the need to keep her smiling no matter what it took. So I had to try.
The next day I mentioned it to Dean. Took it better then i thought, but brought up the point of our lack of time. The time to train a hunter is very demanding and takes more time then you can count. Dean agreed he would 'help me' when he had time. But I knew Dean. He would always have some excuse or have something to do. This made me happy actually, i get to spend time with her. I was going to make sure I had time. It was already hard being away from her.
It wasn't easy, but I convinced Dean to stay in Maryland longer. For a slight break from the hunting and constant traveling. He said something about some girl he wanted to see. I lose track of the girls in Dean's life, and gave up on trying to keep track. All that mattered to me was Raechel anyway. Over a week I spent training her. Some days went better then others. But it was all a dream come true with her around me. We saw Dean less and less the closer we got. I wasn't sure it was a bad or good thing. I figured it out soon enough.
About three weeks in the training, after her first hunt. We were left in my hotel room once more. Just like any other night we spent together. "You really did great tonight. That ghost didn't know what was coming" I laugh as I look over at her. She smiled sweetly, for some reason a slight blush ran across me face. I turned my face to hide it before she spoke "We make a great team Sammy. I had fun." I don't let anyone call me Sammy but Dean, but I let her get away with it. She could get away with anything she wanted. Before I could even finish that thought, her lips touch mine.
I close my eyes as I lock my lips back with hers. If I knew a man couldn't fly, I could swear I did. I hesitate, but I touch her face gently. The kiss lasted 7 seconds...exactly. Another memory with her that is never forgotten in my head. A unforgettable kiss. The world revolved around us during those 7 seconds. That is what I believe anyway.
We made love that night. A night that would change me forever. The feeling of her and me together, was nothing I have ever felt before. It was..a feeling to hard and perfect for words. Almost like, the missing piece of my puzzle, or how much the American flag needs it stars, and i found it in Raechel. Her skin so soft to the touch. Her lips put me over the edge as they grazed across my skin. I think the best part about this was, she was with me. She slept with me when this whole time she wanted Dean. Maybe she has fell for me as hard as I had for her. That's what I prayed for, thought about and wanted. I wanted to make her mine.
That night was the start of something great, amazing, incredible, unbelievable...I could go on forever with the way I feel. She is mine...all mine. She is even mine officially by the state of Maryland. That's right, I have that ring on my finger, and it never comes off. Who would think me, Sam Winchester, would had settled down. But who wouldn't have with such a wonderful women like Raechel. With a hunter as my wife, she understands my life style and even joins me. Nothing could be more perfect, at least I thought so. Until the day Alyssa Mary Winchester was born. She was a miracle, and to this day still is. Raechel and I have made something more than amazing. Once again, me with a family? I'm sure if you know me your laughing. But it's what I have wanted since the beginning.
Life's picture perfect right now. My girls and me, kicking evil in the ass. Couldn't ask for anymore. I hear that sweet voice calling me. I must go. Love can find anyone, even a sasquatch hunter like me. Just don't give up. Everyone deserves someone...
Haven't updated in a while, so thought I would catch you guys up on whats going on...That's if..anyone cares...
Nothing new as really happened, Work still sucks...and...that guy that I like now has a girlfriend. And to make is worse, its ONE OF MY FRIENDS! Well, Ex-Friend now..So its over with him. But then again, just the story of my life..Nothing never goes right with me.
I thought I my interest in working and/or Volunteering as a EMT was over. Sounds a bit cheesy, but I was watching a show called "Call 911" And it make me realize how much i miss the feeling of having someones life in my hands, and being able to save it. I want to start doing it again...soon. Have to get a hold of a good Friend (Anjuli) So I can volunteer again. Bu t first things first...I have to find time to renew my CPR license... GRR! And find the bits a pieces of my EMS uniform that is scattered around my room...
Thinking about taking a trip in July to see my Pen Pal. Kinda a gift to myself for my birthday. Which is June 14. Finally 21...but I'd have to admit, I am super nervous. Think its more of the fact that I have never one, been to the airport and 2 step foot on a plane. Everything else, I'm fine with. But planes + Claustrophobia = Disaster!
This is me at the moment.








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