Why couldn't I do it? Today, I should have left him. In my mind I was determined that one more chance was all that he deserved. One chance to prove i'm worth something to him. To prove he loved me so much, we would give up something he didn't want to.
A disaster worse then a hurricane is what I found myself once I walked inside the safe haven I call home. The heavy winds just threw me to the hard ground as my hands and legs were so weak I couldn't even fight the winds, even harder to fight the tears running down my face or the anger that ran though every vein in my entire vulnerable body.I'm not a fighter or I would have ran my hand across his face,but I couldn't, just not who I am. My phone was thrown so hard at him with the only the power of anger behind it, and All i could do was run from it. With the little bit of strength I found in my brain, I took off out side my comfortable bounties where I was safe. The wall I work hard to keep around me, I don't even want to see right now. I fell to the ground again with nothing more in my body to keep me up. The tears pour down my face faster then the hurricane, the tragedy growing behind the door next me. With my weak grip I grab the nearest object and just throw it. It didn't go far, but I didn't care where it went, I just needed to do it. But something made me go inside with a change of heart. Almost like I had a invisible hand to pull me up and take me to him against my will.
I just stand in the door way of the bedroom. Looking at him, the guy I have gave my love too and everything else the last 1 and a half of my life. Just stare with my sad betrayed, sad, eyes. And my body still shaking so much I could swear the walls around me were shaking with me. He eyes gaze over to me, with guilt in his eyes at first. I coudn't even yell when I looked into the eyes I fell In love with. Once again my body takes over my will and some how I end up laying next to him. Wanting to touch him, my hand lift to touch that rough cheek he uses to snuggle to my shoudler as we spoon at night. With one quick movement he turns his head before my hand can touch him. He is upset at me for the way I acted. All I could think about was the selfishness, the broken promise he looks at like it meant nothing. Which hurts more then I could ever believe or imagine. How I took it was beyond the pain I thought my body could take. But some how, It survived. I survived.
I left his side and a small phrase whisers out of my mouth "I love you" as my feet carry me out of the room to the small leather sofa in my living room. Another slow tear runs down my face. My mind races. The angel and devil on my shoulders are yelling at me "go back in there, you know you still want him" vs "Get in there and kick him out of our place! We don't need him!". Stop! I just need quiet as I bury my face in my hands as a few more of my sorriw run down my face. As a small sniffle comes from my nose, something catches my eyes. It's him in the room with me, Sitting at a table not even 5 feet from me. With the courge I have developed in the past 5 second and just let out a small "why?" My eyes still watery, innocent, and hurt. He shrugs his chin up and takes in a natural herb in his body. I look the other way, now with anger. I can feel my toes clenth up, now my hand, all the way to the shape of my eyes, all ready for a battle. WHY! Was yelped out of my mouth as I push my body toward him, so close the breath he took was felt across my face.
I took over an hour to get him to answer one simple question...just.."why?" and all he could say, was "I don't know." With the lack of progress the simple question was changed. with the question changed, it changed his anger to guilt, sadness, and tons of irritation. I mean after all, I was just asking him the same question over and over till i got an answer.
"Before you broke the one and only promise I asked of you, did you think about me, and how you shouldn't be doing it?"He admitted to the thought of me going through his head and the guilt he felt. But what hurt me most was, if I ran though his head, be broke it anyway, When he was asked another simple question, once again he didn't want to answer me, like he thought I was gunna stop if he ignores me' enough. Well you don't know me baby.
"if you thought about me, then what made you go to the next step and do it anyway?"
He coudn't answer, and never really did.
I lost respect for him today. My angel and devil on my shoulders both agreed. I shouldn't do anything more for him, no more promises will be kept between us till the question is answered. But then, the love that I believe made me keep him around took over.
He suddenly looked into my eyes with sorrow. The one word that could have fixed everything from the beginning. "Sorry" My heart sank, to hear him say that was like the first zombie climbing out of the ground to start the end. But I just looked into his brown eyes, as he looked into my blue eyes. "sorry for what i did babe" I just smiled.
A small conversation was had to clear some things up and bring us close again. Not gunna lie, I lost some trust to him I will never get back, but the love for each other is just to strong. it got me though first the storm, next the eye, and last the lightning. But now its clear with maybe one small rain cloud still above me. But I hope that cloud can be pushed away one day. For some reason, I stood up and fell in his arms. And he caught me.
I never thought I would be so in love. I have always been a girl to keep my walls up, to not let anyone in so I'm not hurt again. But him, something is different. Why I didn't leave him that today, i still can't explain. Other then maybe...just maybe..it was love. A word I once didn't believe.
Once I fell in his arms, I felt like I was meant to be there. I just hope I never have to feel this pain again, and praying that next time, its not stronger then the love we feel for each other. But right now, I stay awake waiting for him to come home from work, just so i can run to his arms and be home again.








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