Cindy's blog

I should've...

Why couldn't I do it? Today, I should have left him. In my mind I was determined that one more chance was all that he deserved. One chance to prove i'm worth something to him. To prove he loved me so much, we would give up something he didn't want to.

A disaster worse then a hurricane is what I found myself once I walked inside the safe haven I call home. The heavy winds just threw me to the hard ground as my hands and legs were so weak I couldn't even fight the winds, even harder to fight the tears running down my face or the anger that ran though every vein in my entire vulnerable body.I'm not a fighter or I would have ran my hand across his face,but I couldn't, just not who I am. My phone was thrown so hard at him with the only the power of anger behind it, and All i could do was run from it. With the little bit of strength I found in my brain, I took off out side my comfortable bounties where I was safe. The wall I work hard to keep around me, I don't even want to see right now. I fell to the ground again with nothing more in my body to keep me up. The tears pour down my face faster then the hurricane, the tragedy growing behind the door next me. With my weak grip I grab the nearest object and just throw it. It didn't go far, but I didn't care where it went, I just needed to do it. But something made me go inside with a change of heart. Almost like I had a invisible hand to pull me up and take me to him against my will.

I just stand in the door way of the bedroom. Looking at him, the guy I have gave my love too and everything else the last 1 and a half of my life. Just stare with my sad betrayed, sad, eyes. And my body still shaking so much I could swear the walls around me were shaking with me. He eyes gaze over to me, with guilt in his eyes at first. I coudn't even yell when I looked into the eyes I fell In love with. Once again my body takes over my will and some how I end up laying next to him. Wanting to touch him, my hand lift to touch that rough cheek he uses to snuggle to my shoudler as we spoon at night. With one quick movement he turns his head before my hand can touch him. He is upset at me for the way I acted. All I could think about was the selfishness, the broken promise he looks at like it meant nothing. Which hurts more then I could ever believe or imagine. How I took it was beyond the pain I thought my body could take. But some how, It survived. I survived.

I left his side and a small phrase whisers out of my mouth "I love you" as my feet carry me out of the room to the small leather sofa in my living room. Another slow tear runs down my face. My mind races. The angel and devil on my shoulders are yelling at me "go back in there, you know you still want him" vs "Get in there and kick him out of our place! We don't need him!". Stop! I just need quiet as I bury my face in my hands as a few more of my sorriw run down my face. As a small sniffle comes from my nose, something catches my eyes. It's him in the room with me, Sitting at a table not even 5 feet from me. With the courge I have developed in the past 5 second and just let out a small "why?" My eyes still watery, innocent, and hurt. He shrugs his chin up and takes in a natural herb in his body. I look the other way, now with anger. I can feel my toes clenth up, now my hand, all the way to the shape of my eyes, all ready for a battle. WHY! Was yelped out of my mouth as I push my body toward him, so close the breath he took was felt across my face.

I took over an hour to get him to answer one simple question...just.."why?" and all he could say, was "I don't know." With the lack of progress the simple question was changed. with the question changed, it changed his anger to guilt, sadness, and tons of irritation. I mean after all, I was just asking him the same question over and over till i got an answer. 

"Before you broke the one and only promise I asked of you, did you think about me, and how you shouldn't be doing it?"He admitted to the thought of me going through his head and the guilt he felt. But what hurt me most was, if I ran though his head, be broke it anyway, When he was asked another simple question, once again he didn't want to answer me, like he thought I was gunna stop if he ignores me' enough. Well you don't know me baby.

"if you thought about me, then what made you go to the next step and do it anyway?"

He coudn't answer, and never really did.

I lost respect for him today. My angel and devil on my shoulders both agreed. I shouldn't do anything more for him, no more promises will be kept between us till the question is answered. But then, the love that I believe made me keep him around took over.

He suddenly looked into my eyes with sorrow. The one word that could have fixed everything from the beginning. "Sorry" My heart sank, to hear him say that was like the first zombie climbing out of the ground to start the end. But I just looked into his brown eyes, as he looked into my blue eyes. "sorry for what i did babe" I just smiled.

A small conversation was had to clear some things up and bring us close again. Not gunna lie, I lost some trust to him I will never get back, but the love for each other is just to strong. it got me though first the storm, next the eye, and last the lightning. But now its clear with maybe one small rain cloud still above me. But I hope that cloud can be pushed away one day. For some reason, I stood up and fell in his arms. And he caught me. 

I never thought I would be so in love. I have always been a girl to keep my walls up, to not let anyone in so I'm not hurt again. But him, something is different. Why I didn't leave him that today, i still can't explain. Other then maybe...just maybe..it was love. A word I once didn't believe.

Once I fell in his arms, I felt like I was meant to be there. I just hope I never have to feel this pain again, and praying that next time, its not stronger then the love we feel for each other. But right now, I stay awake waiting for him to come home from work, just so i can run to his arms and be home again.

 

 

post about porn :) Nice right?! :/

Dear Chris,

So it goes.....

I thought i was in the perfect world....everything was perfect. The love of a guy I can always come home too...a beautiful apartment...my loving cats and dog. Simple life, but everything I wanted. Until now....
I have so much on my mind all the time, I can do nothing but cry. I will do anything to save this perfect life I once had, but it seems like no matter what I do, even if it takes another step closer to me again, hours later, its 6 steps further then it was before.
My body is wore out, done worrying about rather or not your replacing me with dirty stupid virtual whores. Having to constantly compete with them hurts....Hurts so much, i think about it more then you pleasure yourself to them. (I know you don't look at them to hurt me, or replace me but the way i feel can't not be changed, I tried to many times for you) Which I might add, you do it sooo much I only think about it a little more then you. I have asked you to slow down on it, (sounds like a pretty kick ass girlfriend for not asking you to stop completlly) but i guess I'm not worth a sacrifice. I feel that way anyway...

And its not that I think they are preitter then me....its just...I'm right here for you...every minute I can be. I have sacrificed so much in my life, including a friend of 10 years i didn't want to lose. But I did...just for you...why can't you do something you don't want to do for me?
The money I work HARD for. VERY hard for while being treated like a pigs back side at the work place so I can gets things special for you...for no reason at all. With the little money i make.
So my question is...why can't things be brought for me? You make effort and take time to find someone "perfect" online to get off too, so why not use that time and effort to do something for ME?

I thought love was something everyone looked forward to in life. but I have to admit, its SO damn hard....Is it suppose to be that way? I feel like its not...i don't know, its the first time I have been i love...
Don't take my word wrong, every moment I spend with you, I feel like I belong. You arms hold me perfect, the words I love you coming from you mouth constantly repeat in my head, the smell of your cologne lingers in the air when your gone. I can't live without you...but i feel like we are falling apart because of something you won't sacrifice for me.
I ask for one thing and it seems like this relationship is take and never give. It's eating away inside me, and more and more of my heart is disappearing. Soon...I will be half alive, just going though the motions in life with nothing to look foward to but to be pushed aside.
I asked you for one and ONLY one thing...and it seems like you can only think of what you want. Never what I need, my want, my desire,the love i crave.

Just yesterday, i remember when everything was perfect. Just two hearts fighting for our place in the world. But i feel like now, i have to share you. And it scars me form the inside out. My brain constantly streams you doing your thing and then turning me down when I give myself to you. It's just not fair...When we are one, I feel like when you close your eyes your thinking about someone else. I feel when you are alone and looking for the PERFECT virtual women, as you do you thing, you fantasise HER doing the same things I try hard to do everyday. WHY!!?? Just WHY?!? Not only is this killing my brain and making it impossiable to sleep, the worse part about it, when I try to talk to you about it, you get so mad or lie (which is even worse). When certain questions are brought up, you simply start ignoring them to get out the easy way, which just makes me assume the worse. and YES I AM A WOMEN so I think like one. So I will assume, think to much, accuse, get jealous...whatever else you can think of. Just like your gunna ignore me, demand me to do things, hear what you want to hear, have things only your way, and control me like any other man would. Well guess what...i EXPECT THAT. you should expect the same out of me.

I know that perfect life can be there and come back, thats why i don't want to EVER let you go. I have never been so happy with anyone in my life. Your kiss sends tingles to places i didn't know existed. I feel safe with you, protected and loved. The way you make me laugh is like no one before. I know this perfect life that we some how lost touch with is still there. So close I can feel it. Lets get back to this life. We both deserve it. So take my hand, squeeze it and never let go.

But just one thing is stopping us from what we once had, And you know what it is. I feel something as thin as a wire fence keeps us from being so much more, through the wire we can still touch, kiss, make love, but the fence never leaves between us. And all you have to do is take some time for me, and take it down. Babe take down the fence so we can become close again. So I can be held with not a doubt in my mind, or something as thin as a fence or virtual whore in the way. Is that to much to ask for? Please babe, for the sake of us...our love our pets, our family, our perfect life. I beg of you to take down the fence, take me in your arms, and never let go.

I love you bub :)
Love always and forever,
Cindy AKA Big buhbuh C

humm..I need to update this more often..

What is wrong with me.... :(

Here it goes...

have no one to talk to right now..so here i go with a random blog...

I honestly feel like something is wrong with me...I mean a made a friend and in no time *poof* There gone. Even a friend of almost 9 years...we are drifting apart. Knew this day would come..just not this soon. Don't take this the wrong way, I am excited to get my own place, but I will be even more alone since once again...no one pulled though for me. EVER. Once i am kicked down noone is there so help me up. They might walk past me and ask if i'm okay...but when i reach up for them to help me...they 'pretend' not to see me reach up and keep walking. I thought friends were suppose to help you even when it compromises there plans. Fuck man...I do it ALLL the time. I'm rarely happy...and when I am, its because I sacrified my own to make someone else smile. and that smile...will give me just enough strengh to move on a little longer till another small smiles picks me up a little again before i get to down. And guys....don't even get me started with them...when i fall, i fall hard...just who i am. I trust easy. But because of stupid...STUPID me, I push them away somehow. :( I know i can be clingly...i know that..but I really just look at it as caring to much. All i want is people happy and it seems that trait it was pushes people away. Ugly, short, stupid and CLINGY! what a great personallity... :( Not. So, I wanna say sorry for anyone I have 'annoyed', 'pushed away', or complained to. Aparently, I'm not wanted..because this isn't the first time i have been brought down by a nice gesture i have when I work so hard jsut to see a smile..and its pushed away. So...here is the time...let go of me...do it now while I'm already down. I'm tired of being brought down as soon as I work hard to get back up again. Farewell and good riddence to the ones that will deregard this...I'm still waiting for the true friend..the true love...to help me up.

just...anger and blah...my blabbing post

Here it goes I guess, an actual blog verses a poem. This is quite difficult to type with the fake nails I have decided to decorate my fingers with. But at this moment, this is the only way to blurt out my feelings.

First of all lets start with my job. Yes still the same job I have had for over 3 years, the dreaded title of Cashier/Barista. I don't per say "Hate" my job, just not what i want to do for the rest of my life. But seems to me that it will be sadly. The longer i stay the more truth the last statement will carry. I think i am starting to despise my job the most is the fact that I am being used. My manager is not only younger that me, but (excuse the french) lazy as fuck. She will put things off the the lat day they have to be done, then SURPRISE! She is off that day and I work. which leaves me to do about 97% of her work, adding that the store director tells me to do it. It's hard to just put "rebel" when the ONE person that can fire you tells you to do it. So if you can Imagine, being a manager with NOO training as you teadch yourself along the way.....stressfull!! Which isn't what i need.

Believe it or  not, work is the last of my problems. Life at home is once again getting worse. I don't want to go to much into this, but if i hear the statment, or anything close to "it's because your a girl" I'm gunna scream. The worse part about this, is i feel as if my dad has me on a chain. He will add a 4 new links to my chain, then when i finally feel like my own person, he takes 6 links back. I pick and pull on the chains...but the ball on the end, known as 'Dad' just gets heavier and heavier.

With that said, I should be getting my own place soon. Really shouldn't, but another year with this...and i will NEVER leave. And I want to me my own person, not "just a girl"

While I have been trying to find ways to have freedom, I stumbled upon a boy at work. He has been  then since the day i changed my work location, but...it seems as if i have fallen for him. He SEEMS to have a liken toward me, since all he does is talk to my best friend, who works with  me, about me and how having a relationship at work would be difficult. Not to mention, Rebecca said nothing about my liking to him. I could go on forever about this guy, and how he even tried to protect me a few times. But the subject almost is the source of my anger and sadness. I sometimes feel as if guys just like to play. I have mad is obvious that i like him, and him always touching me and talking to me ALL the time at work. Even when I am in my own little bubble (the Starbucks kiosik) he some how finds his way over there to talk. Anyway, to make this story short, this situation is bothing me to the extreme.

Enough blabbing i guess, milo is calling for me! Later

My Mirror

Mirrors

As I stand her before this mirror
I see myself as I am
not the prettest
the skinniest
or even the most lively
but its me

I look to my left,
then to my right
the people around me that have made me
these people I have chosen to be there
but my decisons aren't always right

when the two that are closest to me
the two I wish I could hug all at once
but when they see eachother in the mirror of my life
it cracks
right down the middle of my body
splitting me in two peices
One desperatly pulling me away from the other
Why can't I be happy?
why can't I have what I want?
for once...

this figthing...
pulling me...
Just...just
Leave me alone!!

I pull my arms away from the two
stare them both down blankly
the two people I trusted
I give up...
my happniess doesn't matter
even though to them..
I thought it did

I just look at my already cracked mirror
you guys can't appceraite what I have?
when try living without me..
gone

I close my eyes and smash my mirrior
I vanish...
the two undecided soul standing there
 With me gone
now they wish they would have gotten along
but to late
now I'm gone
and everyone else
is...
happy again.

Where a Daydream can take me...(work in Progress)

     The apartment was small, and a little hard to get to. But it was everything I have ever wanted, and for once, this apartment belonged to me. Finally something to call my own. As I put the couple of bags I was carrying on the ground, which is only the start of many more that were packed in my tiny car, Rebecca comes though the door carrying way to much. I laugh a little before speaking "The more you carry at a time the mess trips right?" I take some bags from her and place the on the ground aside the ones on the floor. "Of course! You know me!" We both laugh as we walk back to our cars. Rebecca has been a friend to more for almost 10 years now. Best friend a girl could have, so close we could finish each others sentences if we wanted to. Even the fights we have just get shrugged off minutes after they happen. Most likely because one of us will trip, or do something funny and we just laugh till it hurts, and the fight...poof! Disappears into thin air. Maybe even thinner than that.
     After a long day of taking box after box out of the Chevy Cavalier and Blue PT Cruiser, we collapse on the small couch. Both taking a small nap before being woken up by a knock on the door. I get up to find the apartment manager welcoming us to our new home and gave us complementary toilet paper and toothpaste to get us started. I look around to see my cat, Milo, laying on a box and my dog Missy, a doberman mix, laying in the middle of no where on the floor. I stumble to the restroom before grabbing the only bag of chips we have in the kitchen. I sigh as start to eat them. With nothing set up, and everything in boxes, there is nothing to do. I get the strength to lean the 32' HD TV against the wall and plug it in, as well as search though the boxes to find the DVD player and hook it up. I search for the first movie i lay my hands on. I found the movie "My Sister's Keeper" in one of the random boxes. Good movie I thought, but something more lively would have been nice. I just shrug as I slide the movie in the player and relax a bit as I watch it.

Sam's Story

    Sam Winchester, the younger brother of Dean Winchester, has been though more then enough in his life time. More then one human being could even think of going through. So much torture and pain, yet he is still the kind hearted, caring person he has been since childhood. A hunter isn’t ever an easy life for anyone. Happiness is hard to find in such a hectic and demanding life style. But after one casual hunt, that all changed. I’ll let Sam tell you what changed his life…forever.
    
    It started with just a routine hunt. Dean and I were doing some research at a local library. Knowing Dean, he was in the “adult” section or had left hours ago leaving me to rather walk, or call him to pick me up later. Doesn’t matter either way. I’m use to it by now. I just get what I need done and go from there.
    As I concentrate on the research, finding out that ghost is nothing more but an angry sprit wanted revenge. (Which is nothing new in my book) I catch with my peripheral vision two girls, laughing and almost looking right at me. It’s probably not me they’re giving there attention to. I was never the “chick magnet” as Dean called it. And if it was directed at me, I was most likely having a bad hair day or just the fact that I’m good with computers was never something a girl found attractive. After the small thought, I went back to my work.
    I suddenly feel a slight nudge on my arm. A little jump came out of me before I looked over to see the two ‘giggling’ girls standing before me. One of them, the more outgoing one it seemed, Spoke to me.
“Sam…Sam Winchester Right? I’ve heard about you.  You know how hunters like to talk. But I’m sure you know that” she said right before a small laugh.
‘Hunter’ I thought. These young girls are hunters? The last thing I would have thought them to be.
“Yes, I’m Sam…can I help you two with something?” Hoping they didn’t see the somewhat confused and awkward facial expression.
The more outgoing one spoke again “Duh! I should, like, introduce ourselves. I’m Krista. Been a hunter a little over a year. And This here is Raechel. She isn’t a hunter, but wanted to meet you. Especially Dean. Is he around?”
I should’ve known. Dean. They’re not interested in me. It’s always about my brother. Before looking back at my books and computer I say with a sigh “I don’t know. Guess he left. Sorry”
    Krista then pulled up a chair for both her and Raechel. I was a bit irritated at  the maneuver, since I’m trying to get research done, and these girls are going to ask me more about Dean. I think, that is what I hate most about this.
    I‘m guessing she saw I was a bit irritated “Mind if we sit?…we don’t have anything to do at the moment…unless your busy…then we can leave” I should have told them I was busy and went on with my research. But that’s not me. So I close my book and turn toward them. “Alright, sure. I guess I could use a break from this. What’s up?”
    There was a bit of a pause, the thee of us looked each other down. I don’t like the awkwardness of the situation so I spoke first. Not knowing what else to say. I just say what comes to my mind first. “So, Dean huh? Why do you want to talk to him so bad?”
    Raechel blushes slightly before turning her face away. “He’s…cute.” Raechel finally speaks. What a tender soft voice. It almost made me smile, so innocent. I will even admit, it was cute.  The way her hair covered part of her face. Beautiful, I thought. I then snapped myself out of it. She wants Dean, not me.
    “Oh right, should have known. Guessing you two want me to introduce you right?” I laugh a little before speaking again “I can do that. I can’t say no to a fellow hunter” God it killed me to say that and I would never help my brother get a girl. He didn’t need help. But it was her. She hasn’t even said three words to me, but If I didn’t offer, she would leave. I just wanted to be near her. Even if it meant seeing her with Dean.

    I few days later, I met up with the two girls. On a day that Dean and I had a little time to spare. The hunt was pretty much under control. We knew the location and when we were going to strike. We don’t have much down time on the road. So this was nice.
     I clear my throat as Dean walks in the room after a trip for food. “Hey Dean.” I said as he looked around the room, clearly noticing the two girls in our hotel room. He grins staring the girls down. I know that grin. Means he is interested in whatever he has his eye one. In this situation, it’s the girl. The girl, I wish to make mine. I didn’t like it, not one bit. As I found out and know clearly, I can’t make her love me. Or even…uh, like me. Another opportunity given to Dean, before I even had a chance.
    As I promised, I introduced the girl to my brother. We spoke a little to him before he glanced at his phone and insisted on leaving. Raechel’s smile that she had on her face the whole time Dean was in the room, suddenly vanished. The laughter and that adorable dimple, that I noticed almost immediately, just like the wind, gone. I stumbled on my words “I…I’m sorry he couldn’t stay long. Guess he is working on that hunt.” I once again stumbled to find something to say “You still have me.” I finally said after a small chuckle. ‘God I’m stupid,’ I thought. Before she came in to my arms for a hug. It surprised me at first, before I realized that her touch drove me crazy. Drove me to want her more then before, which I didn’t think was possible. But, it was. All I could do was smile and wrap my arms around her.  Her body against mine, her touch on my back. A embrace I will never forget. I could have held her in my arms forever if she would let me. It didn't last nearly as long as I had wished.
     "Sam? You okay?" she giggles, I look over at her. A little lost, only to figure out she has caught me in a daydream, all about her. I come back to reality. "Oh yeah" I chuckle a little "I was staring in another world, been a long day." We looked in to each others eyes for only the everlasting time of 3 seconds. As she looks away, I smile. So many thoughts run though my head. So many to make my smiles last longer. Is she falling for me? Krista fell asleep sometime in the middle of all this. Seems to be something she does often I've noticed. Raechel and I are alone.
    She laughed at almost everything I said. Hours went by without notice. I glanced at the clock as it read almost four in the afternoon. I didn't want to say this but I had no choice " I don't think Dean is coming back today." I looked away slightly waiting to see that dreaded frown of hers. I don't even know why but, to see her sad was like the end of the world to me. And I know what the end of the world is and more. I lived it, in more then one way. I felt the need to keep her smiling. Maybe I'm just being selfish so I can see her smile. I feel as if I was put on the earth so this very moment I can make her smile.
     I glance over at her. She isn't frowning. Then with her soft voice she speaks "Is it okay if I spend the day with you then? I mean, I have nothing else to do and I'm having fun." I stutter "You mean...you want to..uhh.. hang out with me? That would be...great!" I smile. If she wasn't watching, I would have jumped around the room screaming for joy. She wants to spend time with me. Not Dean..but me! Could the day get any better? For once, me, Sam Winchester, had something go right. Something to make me happy.
   I took her out to eat. I was starving. Not sure how she was, but she agreed to go. We started out for a walk to the nearest burger joint. Since Dean had the Impala and Krista's keys were nowhere to be found. But I would have never had it any other way. It was a cold day, and she was shivering. I offered her my jacket and she took it smiling. Raechel, the girl I have been doing nothing be thinking about for day, is wearing my jacket. if people walked by, they would think she belonged to me. Just the very thought brought a smile to my face.
    I walked her home soon after. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. And finding myself falling for a girl when in a couple of days I would have to leave. The thought of that faded away when she asked me tonight about hunting. She wants to be a hunter. I don't like the idea. Not at all, but I can't say no to her. Not sure why..but I just can't. I agreed to talk to Dean about it and see if he can train her, so she gets closer to him. Dean, I know won't go for the idea. Won't even give me a chance to explain. But as I said before, I felt the need to keep her smiling no matter what it took. So I had to try.
     The next day I mentioned it to Dean. Took it better then i thought, but brought up the point of our lack of time. The time to train a hunter is very demanding and takes more time then you can count. Dean agreed he would 'help me' when he had time. But I knew Dean. He would always have some excuse or have something to do. This made me happy actually, i get to spend time with her. I was going to make sure I had time. It was already hard being away from her.
    It wasn't easy, but I convinced Dean to stay in Maryland longer. For a slight break from the hunting and constant traveling. He said something about some girl he wanted to see. I lose track of the girls in Dean's life, and gave up on trying to keep track. All that mattered to me was Raechel anyway. Over a week I spent training her. Some days went better then others. But it was all a dream come true with her around me. We saw Dean less and less the closer we got. I wasn't sure it was a bad or good thing. I figured it out soon enough.
    About three weeks in the training, after her first hunt. We were left in my hotel room once more. Just like any other night we spent together. "You really did great tonight. That ghost didn't know what was coming" I laugh as I look over at her. She smiled sweetly, for some reason a slight blush ran across me face. I turned my face to hide it before she spoke "We make a great team Sammy. I had fun." I don't let anyone call me Sammy but Dean, but I let her get away with it. She could get away with anything she wanted. Before I could even finish that thought, her lips touch mine.
    I close my eyes as I lock my lips back with hers. If I knew a man couldn't fly, I could swear I did.  I hesitate, but I touch her face gently. The kiss lasted 7 seconds...exactly. Another memory with her that is never forgotten in my head. A unforgettable kiss. The world revolved around us during those 7 seconds. That is what I believe anyway.
    We made love that night. A night that would change me forever. The feeling of her and me together, was nothing I have ever felt before. It was..a feeling to hard and perfect for words. Almost like, the missing piece of my puzzle, or how much the American flag needs it stars, and i found it in Raechel. Her skin so soft to the touch. Her lips put me over the edge as they grazed across my skin. I think the best part about this was, she was with me. She slept with me when this whole time she wanted Dean. Maybe she has fell for me as hard as I had for her. That's what I prayed for, thought about and wanted. I wanted to make her mine.
  That night was the start of something great, amazing, incredible, unbelievable...I could go on forever with the way I feel. She is mine...all mine. She is even mine officially by the state of Maryland. That's right, I have that ring on my finger, and it never comes off. Who would think me, Sam Winchester, would had settled down. But who wouldn't have with such a wonderful women like Raechel. With a hunter as my wife, she understands my life style and even joins me. Nothing could be more perfect, at least I thought so.  Until the day Alyssa Mary Winchester was born. She was a miracle, and to this day still is. Raechel and I have made something more than amazing. Once again, me with a family? I'm sure if you know me your laughing. But it's what I have wanted since the beginning.
   Life's picture perfect right now. My girls and me, kicking evil in the ass. Couldn't ask for anymore. I hear that sweet voice calling me. I must go. Love can find anyone, even a sasquatch hunter like me. Just don't give up. Everyone deserves someone... 

Waiting for the world to change

UniqueTwo

"God makes no mistakes"

Something I have been told

Over and over

The more i hear it

The less I believe

He created this planet we all live on
But thanks to humans
The flaws are impossible to count
a task no one dare to take
Life isn't long enough
for such a challenge

The world is a cold dark place
something hard to get though
most places are dark
cold and heartless
with a few places to get away
Which I once found that light
that relief
in the ones I care for

The light in those has faded away
I always feel so alone
so left out
If I'm not a mistake
then I see nothing flawless in me

My hair is to dry
feet to small
to short
to fat
to..different.
No wonder I am so alone

I wish the world would see me for me
not for the way I look
the way i talk
or some other excuse
just because its 'cool' to one person
everyone has to have it
and those who don't have it
suffer
Greatly
But they don't care

I don't want to change
I want to be who I am
but I don't want to be alone
Should I put on that fake smile
put on the clothes I don't want to wear
Just to blend in?

I won't...
I think I would rather just
just..
wait for the world to change
to change so much
that being different
is all but usual.

Come on world
people
be who you are
until then,
I will be me
Until the world decides that
Being like everyone else
is no way to live

I will be unique
Until the day
the world decides to change
For the better.

Sleepwalking Past Hope

Crying_blood_by_fullmoonlover

I open my eyes in nothing but a daze

With a film of red liquid blurring my vision

none other then blood.

Just moment ago I was happy

frolicking with the ones I care about

with a smile that once lit up a room

what a perfect life I lived

As the blood clears from my eyes

I see around me, a different place

not the delightful image I had just seen

but the image's opposite twin

Misery is all I see around me

and a speck of loneliness

what appears to be only a speck at the time

Don't know how to explain it...but dark, demented.

I rise up from a tattered bed

still wondering how I got here

placing my feet on the ground, I flinch

Nothing but broken glass

with the portraits of my unforgettable , painful past.
That I once tried to forget

I look around for shoes or someway to get though this

of course, nothing to help me in sight

Should be use to that right now

Nothing is ever easy for me

At the end of the hallway

encased with the glass

I see a friend.

a friend that was there for me

I needed that smile, and wanted it

I look down, determined to make it

my steps are painful

forcing myself to confront with my past

both painful and discouraging
I didn't lie when I said
"I will do anything for a true friend"

but I make it

bloody, battered, crying

I reach my hand out to my price

my friend

As my friend looks down at me

my friend laughs at my broken expression

I frown, looking down at my bloody hands

to glance over seeing HER there

She is laughing to

I never liked her

but its not in me to hate anyone

I hold out my hand once more

begging, desperate

for her to just kick me down

so hard my face falls in the glass
My friend not even once trying to stop this

The friend walks away, with her

laughing at my misery

I stayed with my face on the ground

thinking of what to do

just to realize

I never had a happy life

I was only sleep walking..

and the worst part about it

I slept walk right past hope.